


you're not alone

by ChubuPeng



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Crying, Depression, Gen, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Lowercase, POV Second Person, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, almost, vent fic, virtual reality au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:33:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26508268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChubuPeng/pseuds/ChubuPeng
Summary: post game, virtual reality au.kokichi's going through emotions.vent fic, please read the tags.
Kudos: 13





	you're not alone

**Author's Note:**

> TW: SELF-HARM, INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, PANIC ATTACKS?? (idk i never had one but tagging just in case), DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS(not a lot but kinda implied?? maybe) 
> 
> this is a vent fic in 2nd pov. i got tired near the end so it kinda sucks and its kinda rushed lol but idc. its probably ooc too but like i said its a vent fic so i dont expect yall to like this bc this is certainly not any good LOL. 
> 
> and i added a bit of saiou because i like it (its rather implied and one sided but whatever) let me live
> 
> note: he doesnt actually self harm but there was an attempt. kinda gets real descriptive during that part, so please dont read if any of these makes you uncomfortable!!

you woke up this morning feeling tired and miserable, nothing new. ever since you and your friends have left the killing game, it’s all you’ve been feeling. the therapist that was assigned to you all recommended that everyone should try to make amends and get along with each other. despite how brutally some of the victims have been murdered, despite how untrustworthy some of the participants have made themselves in the game, despite how some treated the others in general, everyone should just forgive each other and live happily ever after! yeah, that totally sounded realistic.   
  
currently you were lying in your bed, not having any energy to even move a limb. you didn’t know what time it was since you were too lazy to pick up your phone from your nightstand to check. you were just so tired. so, so fucking tired… **_Why did you even wake up today?_** you wanted nothing but to go back to sleep, probably for the rest of your life, but it was probably time you took a shower and maybe get something to eat.   
  
actually on second thought, you weren’t feeling all that hungry. **That’s such a fucking lie. Your stomach is literally growling. You didn’t eat a single thing last night. No wonder you’re so tired all the time.** maybe you could just shower and go back to sleep.  
  
part of you really wanted to be at least somewhat productive today. however, every time you tried to get up, or at least try to move, gravity immediately pulled you back onto the bed. each attempt left you feeling even more tired than the last.   
  
you hardly had to worry about anybody checking up on you and seeing you in such a pathetic, miserable state. It’s not like any of the others care about you. well, aside from your therapist and probably your beloved detective **_but surely Saihara had other things to do than to waste time on you._** ** _  
_**  
ever since waking up in that cold, claustrophobia pod, you were terrified of how the others would react to your presence. unfortunately, everyone was stuck with their memories from the game, which meant you were constantly reminded of all of your horrible actions.  
  
you were reminded of all of the insults you spewed at the others. yumeno, gokuhara, kiibo, momota, iruma, and especially harukawa. you guess you couldn't blame her for glaring daggers at you whenever you bump into her. ** _You could still feel those fingers wrapped tightly around your neck, squeezing the life out of you._**  
  
you were reminded of how you manipulated gokuhara into working with you to end the killing game, even if it meant going against your morals and violating dice’s rules. somehow he ended up forgiving you. you couldn’t understand why, **it’s not like you deserved it**. iruma on the other hand refuses to even look at you.   
  
you were reminded of how you were too stubborn and scared to trust anyone. even when you gave saihara the offer to join you, part of you still couldn't put 100% faith in him. sure, the detective had been helpful during the investigations and class trials, but how did you know it all wasn't just an act? there was still the slightest chance he could backstab you at the last second, **_just like all of the others in the real world_** so you couldn't afford to get too close to him. keeping your distance was the only way you could have survived. blindly trusting others like that dumb astronaut was a surefire way to get you killed.   
  
  
the biggest thing that plagued your mind was your terrible coping method: lying. you recall saying something along the lines of “my body is made up of 70% lies” in the game. you laughed bitterly. what an understatement that was. you lied about finding the game fun. you lied about being the mastermind, and look where that got you. your plan ended up failing as harukawa ended up putting a poisoned dart into your back, and boy did it fucking hurt.   
  
but nothing hurt more than harukawa not believing you when you confessed that you knew nothing about the remnants of despair. well, you supposed that’s what you get for lying 24/7 and making yourself the villain. through strained breaths, you hoped you sounded convincing enough for the assassin to not off you right then and there. if it wasn’t for momota taking the second arrow for you, you would’ve died a meaningless death just like the others. and you couldn’t just go out like that. you were the ultimate supreme leader, and leaders had to do whatever they could for the sake of their friends. **Friends? Are you kidding? They all hated you.**  
  
as you and momota went along with your plan to fool the mastermind, you lied to him about not being afraid to die. even on your last limb, you couldn’t afford to appear weak in front of him. you had to remain strong, despite the contradicting emotions you were feeling inside. in truth, you were trembling on your way to the press. you pretended it was the poison affecting your muscles and tried to ignore how rapid your breathing was getting and how hard your heart was beating inside your chest.   
  
the image of the press coming onto you flashed in your mind. you shot up from your bed, trembling from the traumatic memory. you felt a cold sweat run down your back. the blanket around your shoulders didn’t seem to be helping. you grabbed whatever was closest to you, a pillow, and hugged it to your chest in an attempt to calm down. you started hyperventilating. your breaths came out ragged as tears flowed down your face and onto the pillow. a dark stain was starting to form in the fabric.   
  
_why why why why why why why?_ why did you have to think about that? you knew today probably wasn’t going to be a good day, and that you were going to have a depressive episode, but you weren’t prepared to have an emotional breakdown.   
  
every time you tried to shake away these negative thoughts, they came flooding back twice as loud, filling you with regrets and guilt.   
  
your wrists began tingling. your fingers twitched for...a certain _something._ your eyes landed on your nightstand.  
  
suddenly filled with morbid motivation, you pulled open the drawer of your nightstand and took out a familiar orange box cutter. it was something you managed to snag from some cabinet the other day. due to everyone avoiding you like the plague, it was easy to sneak the tool back into your room. you had considered getting something sharper, but a knife would have probably raised more suspicion and alarms than a box cutter.   
  
you fiddled it in your hand, continuing to raise and lower the blade. you felt the edge of the blade experimentally with your finger. hm. you weren’t expecting it to feel so sharp.  
  
  
it felt wrong. hey, maybe you should put it down. you shouldn’t be doing this. you should reconsider. **Then why are you bringing the blade to your upper arm?** c’mon, please put the blade down. you don’t even have bandages with you. what if things went wrong?  
  
as if you snapped out of a trance, your eyes widened and you quickly lowered the blade and threw the box cutter back in the drawer, as if it had burned your hand. your heart hammered in your chest.   
  
  
you hugged the pillow once again, tighter than before as you tried to rid your mind of intrusive thoughts. part of you felt ashamed and disgusted at how dangerously close you were to hurting yourself.   
  
…  
  
...  
  
but on the other hand...you were morbidly curious. what would happen if you just… took the blade...and ran it along your arm…? how much would it hurt? how much would you bleed? will you break an artery? you hoped not. you made sure to pick a spot with less visible veins like your wrists. as much as you craved it sometimes, you didn’t want to die to some stupid miscalculation with a box cutter.   
  
as if automatically, your arm reached for the box cutter again. you raised the blade slightly and stared at it. now that you thought about it, the blade did seem rather dirty. would you get an infection from it? perhaps you should clean it first. dying to a stupid infection from a dirty blade would be idiotic.   
  
…  
  
then again, you felt too listless to move from your bed. nevertheless, you brought the blade to your left upper arm again. you lightly pressed the cool blade against your skin, before pulling it away...and then pressing it against your arm again.   
  
you were so close...so close… what’s stopping you from doing it? who’s going to stop you? no one. you have all the power in the world right now. you could do it and nobody would notice or even care. c’mon, do it. **do it**. _do it do it do it do it-_  
  
...  
  
wait. no. no no no no no no no. _stop._ **stop.** _please_ , you found yourself begging...and suddenly, you couldn’t bring yourself to do it.   
  
somehow you managed to convince yourself. slowly but surely, your arm lowered onto the bed. you instantly felt ashamed at what you had almost done.   
  
you buried your face into your pillow, staining it with even more tears once more. you could feel a headache starting to form from how much you’ve been crying today.   
  
  
...it hurt. it hurt so much. you just wanted to feel happy, but the stress of everything you’ve been through has been putting a toll on you. you were tired of it all. tired of feeling miserable and having such dark thoughts.   
**  
****you were just so** ** _fucking_** **tired.**  
  
…  
  
  
...  
  
after a few minutes, the tears began slowing down, though you knew that you’d just start sobbing again if the negative thoughts came back. as much as you wanted to stay in your room and continue crying your eyes out, you knew it wasn’t going to help you feel better. you needed to get out of there. you needed to see someone. you just needed someone…  
  
your mind immediately crossed off everyone except for one person...saihara. just thinking about him warmed your heart a little. maybe...he would be willing to listen to you. the two of you were rather close these days despite the strained relationship the two of you had with each other in the killing game. maybe...he’d understand...  
  
you didn’t care how gross you’d look in front of him. you just needed him right now. still, you made sure to grab some tissues from your nightstand to wipe your face before disposing of them in a nearby wastebasket. you took in a breath before sliding off the bed with your blanket still around you.  
  
slowly and shakily, you made your way to your door with heavy limbs and stepped out of your room. luckily for you, everyone’s rooms were rather close to one another. saihara’s wasn’t too far from yours. hopefully no one sees you like this except for saihara.   
  
once you made it to the front of his door, you raised your trembling hand and knocked quietly but firmly. you heard movements from inside the room before the door opened and out came your beloved.  
  
“ouma-kun?” saihara asked. his eyes widened in concern and focused on how terrible you probably looked.  
  
you forced a small laugh and a smile. _“h-hey, s-saihara-chan…”_ you cringed at how pitiful you sounded there. _“c-can i...t-talk to you…?”_ _  
_ _  
_saihara nodded and offered a warm smile. “of course you can. what’s hurting you, ouma-kun?” _  
_  
you opened your mouth to speak, but for some reason, you hesitated. you gripped the ends of the blanket and pulled it around you even tighter. you couldn’t meet your beloved’s eyes. instead, you focused your attention on the floor.  
  
despite your worries, saihara was patient with you. “it’s alright... please, i won’t judge you. i promise.”  
  
you wanted to keep your mouth shut again, but hearing him encouraging you...  
  
 _“I… i-i t-tried to...to hurt m-myself…”_ your voice wavered as you spoke in an incredibly low volume. after you admitted that, you immediately broke down into tears. your vision blurred, making it impossible to see your beloved’s reaction, but you were pretty sure he was most likely disappointed in you. he probably hated you. hated you for resorting to something so drastic than reaching out to others. hated you for your stupid trust issues. hated you for bothering him with you and your stupid emotions. **Hated you for simply fucking existi-**  
  
suddenly you were pulled into a hug. for a moment, the tears stopped. you stood there, frozen in surprise and not knowing what to do. you found yourself slightly blushing at how close you were to your crush.   
  
“i don’t hate you. i couldn’t ever hate you,” your beloved said softly. wait, did you say all of those things out loud? his words were extremely comforting in your ear. being in his embrace...felt warm… it felt nice… it felt… you found your throat growing tight again and your eyes stinging again. the waterworks immediately started up again as you sobbed into your beloved’s chest. you felt him rub slow, soothing circles around your back.   
  
the two of you stayed there for a while, not striking up any conversation. you could vent to him later, but as of right now, all you were focused on was cherishing this very moment being in your beloved’s arms.

**Author's Note:**

> hey, its me again. if youve read my other fics and are wondering where the updates are, well, im sorry. im just tired. tired and unmotivated. i started college so, things are a bit rough at the moment. i cant bring myself to think and write. im sorry.
> 
> my depression has been affecting me a lot lately since quarantine. i never got such terrible episodes before and so, yeah its kinda wearing me out. there are some days where i stay in bed until the sun goes down. its incredibly tiring.
> 
> if youre still here, i just wanted to say thank you for reading. i dont know when or if ill even update my other fics, but ill try. thats all im going to say. no promises though. 
> 
> and if youre going through something similar, please dont keep it all bottled up. talk to someone. dont be like me and almost harm yourself. ack im bad at advice, but seriously, take care of yourselves. 
> 
> if youre really desperate, you could probably hit up my twitter @ChubuPeng or my alt @Weebguin. dms make me incredibly nervous, but ill try my best if you really need someone to talk to <3


End file.
